Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
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he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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