I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
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Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
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There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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