After last night, I could never be a politician.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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