its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize