I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
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Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
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Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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