doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
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Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
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I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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