I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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