i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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