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where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
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