Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
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Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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