I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
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I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
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I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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