The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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