I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
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How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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