Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
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I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
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If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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