I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
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btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
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Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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