Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
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i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
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I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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