We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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