my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
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My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
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At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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