3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize