I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
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Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
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Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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