I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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