The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
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You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
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My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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