The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
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You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
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Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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