Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize