Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
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He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
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We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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