I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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