She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize