If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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