Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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