im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
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Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
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Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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