Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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