you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
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He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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