I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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