Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
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You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
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Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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