Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
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I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
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Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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