3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
zippers are such a cool invention
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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