More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
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I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
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I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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