Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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