Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
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I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
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I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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