My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
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I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
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There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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