Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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