she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize