I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
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I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
BRING THE BAGELS
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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