Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
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There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
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Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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