that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
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He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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