normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize