They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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