oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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