During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
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You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Found the puke drawer
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
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By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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