After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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